FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO CAN RELATE

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.



A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .



Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.


I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.


I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.



I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.


Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.


In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.


At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.


Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.


'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.


Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER


Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

unfortunately I can relate

i laughed so hard till i cried.but my turn is coming.UGH!!!!

I can relate in the sense of my husband just had this done. That is pretty much how he described it "an explosion from behind" Poor man. We got him to the doctors right on time though cause he had several cancerous polyps that fortunately were caught. And he woke up during the procedure as I mentioned in another thread. Other than that though I have sympathy for anyone going through this

Liligirl
thank god he will be ok
i know this is a procedure we all dread, but it may have saved his life. god bless the both of you.

thanks looloo we feel very blessed I wish the best for you when you go in

The best thng about having had my colon removed a couple months ago is that I never have to have another colonoscopy again in my life.

The downside? Every meal is sort of like the MoviPrep described in the OP.

kishimojun wrote:The best thng about having had my colon removed a couple months ago is that I never have to have another colonoscopy again in my life.

The downside? Every meal is sort of like the MoviPrep described in the OP.

My husband and I were going in to have a colon exam on the same day....Thank God I have never had to have the surgery but hubby has several times....Anyway we had to drink that crap at the same time and we warned the kids to stay out of the bathrooms...The first little bit wasn't too bad but after that I would have rather jumped off a roof.....Hubby complained about how invasive the exam was and I said "are you crazy that was nothing....wait til you have a pelvic exam"....He never complained again....


Just as an afterthought....I think Dave Barry is a truly funny writer...He has a way of taking everyday things and making you see how funny they really are....

Thank you for the laugh

ROTFLMFO! Been there, done that, didn't want the t-shirt!

lol that was too funny,my hubby had his done couple weeks ago.so I know.

I can relate too i have to fast for test in morning.then when I get there have to drink that chalky stuff eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww

ROFL!!!!

Been there....done that. ...supposed to come back in 10 years (don't know if that will happen tho .

I can't relate... yet that is. My dad though had to do that and they gave him the prep stuff that was flavored. He won't touch a piece pineapple, even his standard favorite upside down cake or look at the forbidden fruit in the groccery store after his experience. For anyone that has gone through the procedure with a good results congats! I am not looking forward to my first test but it is a few years in the future stiil.

Been there-done that - I can relate too! Very Funny - Thanks for sharing looloo!

Been there, done that too. I was reading along thinking you had written it when I got to the part about "my wife drove me". I'm sitting here thinking "wait a minute, isn't looloo a girl?" Then I got to the end. ROTFLMBO!!!

I guess I got off easy. I got to mix Miralax in gatorade.

Thanks for sharing this. I wish he would write his newspaper column again.

I cant relate, but I know how the procudure works!
so well written & very funny!

Thanks for Sharing looloo

Not yet. In a few years.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
Laughing so hard tears rolling down face.
Thanks for the laugh.

I love Dave Barry, thanks!

Sigh. I've been putting mine off. For years. One of my BFFs has been nagging me endlessly.

I'm trying to work up the nerve to do it before the end of the year. Strangely, what I dread the most are: 1) the prep and 2) the needle (I hate needles).

Many years ago I had a barium enema, where they make you drink stuff to fill you up after you emptied out the night before, then give you more stuff just before the procedure to make sure your belly is full (and it tasted horrible). Then they--while you are AWAKE!--shove a hose with camera up your backside, without medication.

Unfortunately for me, the doctor who was doing it was a friend--his wife and I were in a club together. I'm also a writer with a science background, so he was DELIGHTED to have someone who could appreciate his enthusiasm and talent.

Hence, he had them move a monitor around so I could watch everything while he gave me a guided tour, with great gusto. Lots of commentary, and he'd pause for my enthusiastic participation.

Meanwhile, it feels like you have a giant cork in your backside, the movement of the hose/camera/forklift/earthmover in your bowels gives you terrible cramps in your bloated belly and bowels, and you truly believe that you are going to explode as any moment. In fact, exploding sounds like a good idea except that they've got everything plugged up.

You wind up waiting for the moment of liberation when they let you run to the nearby john.

Given that you're in lala land for the colonoscopy, it would seem that I wouldn't be as chicken about the whole thing as compared to the barium enema.

But I am. I'm scared of the prep, scared of the needle, and then scared that they'll find something, heaven forbid. And/or that no matter what, I'll wind up pooping all over my friend's car or something. Or come home drunk from the med and stagger pooping around my house later. Sigh. (Sorry to be so graphic.)

A friend suggested that I use tequila as the liquid diet. Hmmmm.

I gotta do this thing. Don't I? Actually, I'm waiting for a cat scan type thing where they don't have to do the clean you out and run a hose up your backside routine. But I don't think one is coming and so I'm.....trapped.